Thursday, 20 December 2012

If you can't say anything nice...

As a parent I hate being judged by others.  Being measured by their standards, having my decisions and choices judged and questioned.  It makes me feel sad, doubtful and sometimes even ridiculously angry. I know I shouldn't care. I know in my heart that I have considered all my decisions at length and with great care. I know that each decision I make in terms of parenting is based on what I truly believe is best for my daughter.

So when I learned how awful and hurtful it can be to be judged, I decided I would try my best not to judge and not to interfere with the parenting decisions and choices of others.  I stood by the motto of;

"If you are happy, I'll be happy for you."

I have a bit of a problem though, and it is causing me to re-evaluate a friendship.  I thought that having children would have brought us closer together, but if anything it makes me want to break away from this friendship altogether.

The problem is, I'm doing something I promised I wouldn't do.  I'm judging my friend. Her actions make me angry.  Really angry.  I suppose you are wondering what she has done that is so terrible, so awful that I would consider ending friendship?  I promise you it is nothing awful or terrible. She doesn't beat her child, she doesn't endanger them or anything so extreme as that. Just let me try and explain.

Since my friend has had her child, she complains constantly to anyone who will listen about how she needs time away from her baby. She has gone out every weekend since her baby was born, leaving her child with her parents Fri-Sun so she can get drunk. She has openly and desperately appealed for babysitters on Facebook because she needs someone to babysit because she hasn't had time away from her baby for "days".  She says things openly about her baby stealing her social life.  You get the idea.

I know she loves her child, I don't doubt that in the slightest.  I just can't understand the change in her.      She is a lovely, kind person.  Yet it comes across now that she views her baby as a burden. She acts very selfishly, as if the baby is an inconvenience. I am by no means saying she shouldn't get out and enjoy herself.  Everyone deserves some time to themselves, but her partying seems excessive.  Especially considering she was never a party animal before she was pregnant.  Knowing how fast Holly's first year has gone, I worry that she will miss so much of her baby's precious days. The baby days are so short, they will be over before she knows it.  As much as I enjoy a night out and time to myself, I have plenty of years ahead of me for more, and I had plenty beforehand too. I personally feel she is missing out on so much.

I think another reason it bothers me is because I have many other close friends battling with infertility and would move heaven and earth to have what she has, and she doesn't seem to appreciate how very lucky she is.  I feel totally shitty for writing all this, but my feelings of anger towards my friend have been growing over the last few months. The way she talks about her child like some kind of inconvenience. It bothers me so much.  If I have to be 100% honest, I'd go as far as to say that I think she wasn't ready to start a family. There, I've said it. I feel like a horrid person for judging her.

My problem is, I cannot talk to her and listen to the things she says and hold my tongue much longer. How she raises her child is no concern of mine and I don't think I have any right to tell her off.  One thing I know is that she isn't the person I thought she was.  So I don't think I can be her friend anymore. I don't want that kind of influence in my life, or my daughters.

So what do you think of this situation? Am I a rotten judgemental bitch from Hell?  Do I need to keep my nose out and my mouth shut?  Have you experienced anything similar with a friend, and what would you do if you did? Please help, I'm lost here...


Sonya Cisco said...

Do you think she might have post-natal depression? If the behaviour is out of character it could be! But if it isn't then I would be bugged too! We all need a break from time to time, but it sounds like hers is a bit too much!

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