Am I Less of a Parent?

At the moment Holly is an only child. So most people I meet feel the immediate need to ask when she might expect a younger sibling.

I'm often met with a look of shock, surprise or even pity when I say we are happy as a family of three and that although it isn't a definitive no, I have no actual plans to have more children.

Before having Holly we had always said we would have two children. Yet when Holly came along she completed our family in a way I hadn't expected at all. Unfortunately not everyone understands this.

Apparently it isn't fair on Holly. She'll be lonely and unhappy.

I'm selfish as I could easily have another child and provide for them.

If  I concentrate all my energies on Holly, I might end up putting too much pressure on her as she grows older.

I'm obviously just not maternal at all, otherwise I'd never be able to JUST have one child.

I've got it easy. I have no idea what parenting is really like or how hard it is because I only have one child.

I've heard them all, and more.

I'm tired of justifying and defending my choice. More than that I'm upset that I'm judged as some second class parent because I don't have multiple children. I'm sure if  I had another child it would be wonderful, but I don't need to in order to feel complete. I already do.  Also, I'm in absolutely no doubt that having more children would be harder. I often wonder how people do it, and I'm genuinely in awe of people that do it every day. However, that doesn't give anyone the right to sneer at me for not doing it. To tell me I'm not maternal or I'm less of a parent, less of a mum. I live and breath my daughter. I would die for my child just as other parents would for theirs.  I get that some people simply can't understand this choice, but I don't get why it should be of any concern to anyone other than me. I have a happy family who I love with all my heart and soul, a family I would kill for, a family which to me is absolutely perfect, just as it is. I just wish people would stop insulting me because I don't fit their standards.

Bring Me Back To Life...

I won't lie, having Holly was the proudest moment of my life. The most amazing moment of my life. There are other achievements in my life I'm proud of like gaining a degree, but bringing another human into the world is by far the most special. Yet as I am being honest I have to also say that afterwards I was a mess. A whirling tornado of hormones, I didn't know what I was doing or who I was anymore. I expected having a baby to be hard, and I was happy to cope with the sleepless nights and exhaustion. What I wasn't prepared for was the emotional & psychological effect. The worry. The guilt. The fear. The pain. I was consumed. Overwhelmed. I felt like I was drowning. Drowning in not a sea, but a thick, dense fog. Everything was cloudy. Everything in my life was dull, in shades of grey. I would smile, but it would be a neutral smile, with undertones of grey. If I am totally honest, maybe the blue had gone from my eyes, leaving only the cold, hard slate grey in it's place.  I loved my child, I could not have loved her more fiercely, but life beyond her paled by comparison. In the cold days of winter all I wanted to do was hide away. Take my precious family and hibernate. I wasn't ready for the world. I felt exposed, inadequate and scared.

Time passed and things grew easier. Warmer weather came to stay. I was more laid back. The fog had lessened. There were still times when it seeped back, as thick and debilitating as before, but those times grew less frequent.  Still though, I didn't feel myself. I felt empty of me. I was full of love for my baby, my partner, but not for myself. I was nothing without the baby. A non entity. I loved and laughed with my family around me, but without them I couldn't remember how to be. I didn't know who to be. Who was I, without my family?


All too soon, winter returned and while I had moved on and relaxed, the same feelings reared their heads. Hard wired into me psyche. I felt the fog come over me. This time though, I had the strength to fight. Things weren't the same. I knew I had to stand firm. It wasn't easy,  but I got through and found joy that I didn't know I had. I found strength. This time, despite the fog, I was able to breathe.

So what about now? The fog has come and gone. In this, the 2nd summer of motherhood. I feel like it has finally lifted. I almost feel like me. The me I was before. Yet not less than before. Even more. Stronger, and fiercer for all the demons I faced.  Having a baby changed my life, and it would be entirely foolish to tell anyone that it doesn't.  Having a child changes you forever, you shouldn't expect to adjust to it quickly. A child is a living, growing thing, they change as often as the tides of the sea.

This summer is a revelation to me.  I am starting to see the true shape of the wonderful family we are.   I don't know what it was that finally tipped the balance. That let me breathe again. I owe a lot to friends.  Who were gentle with me. Not expecting too much, and having the sense to hold back when I needed it and hold out a hand when I was ready.  New friends showed me that I wasn't alone. That I had more to look forward to than I ever dreamed possible.

Dear friends, thank you for helping me. For helping me to be me. For showing me that while being a mummy requires sacrifice, I can still be me.  Thank you for bringing me back to life.

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