Attack of the smug married couples...

For the record, I have nothing against marriage. I'd like for David and I to get married at some point. Preferably when it won't cause family arguments, unnecessary stress and cost a bajillion £'s.  Ok, I know it doesn't have to cost a lot of money really, but whatever money it does cost us, I can't help but think of better ways to spend that money. I have nothing against married couples in general either. There are however a certain type of married couple I do take issue with. I like to call them the "SMUG marrieds".

This particular breed really make me all kinds of batshit mental. I know this is a bit of a generalisation, but newly married couples are usually the worst. For some inexplicable reason they think that being married for 6 months or even a year or two suddenly makes them fucking relationship experts. As if their relationship is more secure, more loving and just a million miles better than any of those poor unfortunate unwed people like myself & my partner.

I cannot begin to explain my blood vessel busting fury when a "smug married" attempts to give me a relationship pep talk. I have been with my partner for 11 years. Most of these smug marrieds TOTAL relationship time is generally less than 5 years - including their marriage.

I think in order to illustrate fully the extent of this eye ball poppingly irritating smugness I'll have to give you some examples.

Being introduced to a couple of smug marrieds for the first time

"Hi, I'm Bob. This is my wife Linda."


Then Linda says (grinning uncontrollably and simultaneously waving her ring finger at me as if I asked to see it - I DIDN'T),

"We just got married in July. I can't believe we've been married 6 MONTHS* already!!!"

*The capitals here indicate where Linda raised her voice to about 10 million decibels, just to make sure me and everyone else in the entire universe heard her.

After giving us a minute to offer our enthusiastic congratulations while they bask in their smugness & grin inanely, she then asks,

"So how long have you two been together?"

I tell her 11 years.

"Oh my goodness! That is AMAZING! Did you do something fabulous on your wedding anniversary."

I then explain that we are not in fact married. A looong moment of silence. Linda and Bob cast each other a knowing, pitying look. Turning back towards us with saddened expressions and a concerned tilt of the head Linda says,

"Ohhhh...well...Not that you NEED to be married these days of course. I mean, don't you want to get married though? I just feel it has taken our relationship to a whole new level. It has REALLY changed our relationship in so may ways."

Bob watches on, nodding diplomatically along with his wife's helpful little pep talk. As is my way, I smile politely as I manoeuvre myself and David away from these wretched idiots. As we walk away I see them watching us with that pitying yet smug half smile, then turn to each other once more with that knowing look. I'm fairly certain the palms of my hands are bleeding from all the fist clenching I was doing during that conversation.

So there you have it, it nearly always runs along similar lines. Some are more smug, more pitying, or maybe just bemused by us. God forbid you get stuck with a group of smug marrieds. Then you are really in for a treat. They pick at you like vultures picking at an animal carcass. Then you have the joy of not only listening to multiple pep talks, and the questions about why you aren't married. You get the little digs, the pokes. That hit you squarely between the ribs.

"Ohhh you'll KNOW all about it when you're married..."

We get this one A LOT! Know what exactly? Is it some kind of exclusive club? Is there a secret handshake? A loyalty card? An executive lounge? Do we get a free unicorn? What exactly will I know about my OH or relationships after marriage that I didn't find out by being in a committed relationship for 11 years? Is it some kind of fast track pass like at theme parks? Does it automatically make a shorter relationship more valid or real than a longer one? Simply by the exchanging of rings? What is this, a fucking fairy story?

"Now we are married Bob helps with all the housework!" *proudface*

What? Are you serious? You had to put a ring on his finger to make your partner pull his weight? I'm sorry, we've always had a relationship of equals without the aid of a piece of paper and a slap up meal for 500 after the fact.

I could go on, but I am sure by now you get the picture. Please don't get me wrong. I do not begrudge these people their happiness, or their pride. Being a newlywed is most likey a very exciting thing, to be enjoyed and savoured. If they are happy, then I am happy for them. There is absolutely nothing wrong in declaring your love for another human being. It is a wonderful idea. That said however, just because a couple have not done the same, it does not make their relationship any less secure, special or valid than anyone else's. Neither does having a longer relationship than someone else. I may have mentioned my 11 year relationship here, but I certainly wouldn't use my relationship status to belittle other couples who hadn't been together for as long.

So if you are married, I wish you a long, happy and healthy relationship. And if you are not married, I wish you a long, happy and healthy relationship! Just keep your bloody smug comments to yourself! OKAY?!?

Are you a dummy dummy?

I thought long and hard about writing this post. Someone said something on Facebook the other day, which although I know is silly, really got under my skin. This is the direct quote as taken from Facebook.

"People kept telling me to give ma girl a dummie when she was born and am glad i didnt cos the wee one has went 6 months without. All she needs is loads of cuddles n kisses from mummy n daddy xx love our little munky to the moon n back."

Quickly followed by,

"kids dnt need them,a little tlc and they are sound haha dnt know if its cos i have a gd baby haha but nah ill never give her dummie havent even thought bout it haha xx"

This was also followed by comments stating that parents who use dummies are useless and neglectful and only use them to shut their kids up.


Firstly I'd like to say well done to my friend on not giving into pressure and giving her baby a dummy. I genuinely mean that. I'm really glad she could manage without. That said, there is no need to make any one else feel shitty for using one. She managed, in the space of a couple of sentences to make me feel like the shittiest parent in the world.


My main issue is how totally judgemental she is being. Not all parents have the same experience as her. I gave my daughter a dummy, and it was certainly not to shut her up. Before I gave her it I had been totally against the idea. So if you don't agree with the use of dummies either please take a moment to read my story below.


Our Dummy Story


Before H was born we had decided that she would NEVER be given a dummy. Not our precious girl, not EVER.

Fast forward to a few weeks after H was born. Our sleepy, contented peaceful baby was gone. Cue week after week, night after night of my poor little girl screaming from early evening until the early hours of the morning until falling into an exhausted sleep. Then waking every 45 minutes unhappily to start the process over again. H was in such distress, this was not normal baby crying. Her face was twisted in agony and bright red. There was practically nothing I could do. We tried everything. No amount of TLC, cuddles or singing helped. She was breastfed on demand, rocked, bounced.  We pushed her in the pram, we took her out on the car, propped her up, massaged her, bathed her. She mostly slept on my chest and even that didn't help. We tried so many things I can't even remember them all to list them here. We asked the doctor and HV repeatedly for help, nothing they suggested helped either. The final piece of advice we were given was this....


Some babies are just like that. You'll have to be patient. She'll probably grow out of it in about 5 months or so.


Yup, that was eventually what we were told.


My partner and I were just devastated for H, to see H so clearly in pain or distress was heartbreaking.


I can honestly say it was probably the worst thing I have ever had to deal with in my life. I would have sold my soul to the Devil if that would have taken away my baby's distress. People kept suggesting trying a dummy, but I was so against the idea that I wouldn't hear of it. I was barely coping. The fact that there was nothing I could do to help my baby made me feel like the worst parent in the world. I would cry continually whenever H wasn't in my arms ( I wouldn't do it in front of her in case she sensed my distress, although she probably still did). I wouldn't admit defeat. I wouldn't even let family members take H to give me a break as I felt I would be failing her. (Stupid I know).


Eventually after months, my partner and I sat down and agreed that a dummy was the only thing we hadn't tried.  We thought we may as well try one, as it probably wouldn't work anyway. We would finally try using a dummy but we agreed we would only use it when H was distressed.


So what do you think happened? She took to the dummy straight away. She was still distressed at times, but it seemed to have a much more calming effect. Her bouts of uncontrollable crying we're halved almost immediately.


Had I known that from the outset I would have not had the slightest hesitation to give her the dummy. Anything which would alleviate my darling child's suffering for even one single second has to be worth it. If I had the choice again, I wouldn't hesitate.


So where do I stand on dummies now?


If H had been a happy contented baby, I would still never have given her a dummy. If I had another child who was contended I wouldn't offer a dummy either.


However, if I had another poor little baby like H, I would definitely consider it as an option if nothing else seemed to work. If it would alleviate the distress of my child absolutely. Who would want to watch their child suffer if there was something they could do to prevent it?

I bet you are wondering if H still has her dummy at 10 months? Yes she does. We kept to our word though and only used it when she was in distress. She does not get a dummy during the day (and never did) at all (unless distressed due to illness). She doesn't miss it at all. She is a happy, smiling little girl who likes to be vocal so why would she need it? She does still get her dummy at nap time and bedtime, which she sucks until she falls asleep then spits out, so for about 5 mins really. We are hoping to phase that out very soon too though.


I would certainly never give a dummy to shut my child up, and I am utterly offended by the implication that I would.


Where do I stand now on the dummy habits of others?

How you choose to raise your child is your business. I may not agree with it, but I don't know your situation so I have no right to judge. If you want to give your baby a dummy so what? There are far worse things you could be doing to your child. If you and your family are healthy and happy, that is surely all that matters.


So what is your view? Is a dummy a sign of bad parenting? Was I wrong to give a dummy to my baby? I'd love to know what you think.